AUTHOR'S
NOTES: Many thanks to my faithful beta, Gerry, who drug
herself off her sick bed to look at this. Thanks also to Jamie
and Sandy for making some fine suggestions as well.
It's strange but when you wake up on the day when everything changes, you rarely know it.
I used to wake up every morning at six but during the pregnancy I have discovered that sleep is much more precious to me and I often find myself still snuggled underneath my comforter at 6:45 am when the alarm goes off.
Today was different. I was awake and refreshed when I woke shortly after 6 am. Feeling inspired I got up and took a short walk. Now that I can feel this mound growing under my clothing I'm more determined than ever to stay fit. This was instantly negated by my stop at the neighborhood Au Bon Pain. I may have given up caffeine, but their butter croissants were a real weakness for some reason. Pregnancy seemed to be causing the strangest cravings.
As I sat at my table with a decaf latte and the aforementioned croissant, I watched through the window at the other people on the street. Even that early in the morning there was a certain urgency as people walked to work. I understood that urgency. It seemed to be running my life these days. I felt like I had to protect this child. I had to know the truth about my pregnancy. And I had to know the truth about Mulder.
Mulder. He was in my thoughts constantly, even when I tried to push away the terrible images. I didn't know where he was, but I knew that he was in pain. I could feel it. Sometimes I wished that I couldn't feel his terrible pain and other times I was so glad it was there. It was the only link to him that I had left.
I closed my eyes for a moment and talked to him. I tried to do it every day.
*I miss you today, Mulder. I can tell that spring is coming and all I can think about is how great the cherry blossoms are going to look from your bench.*
My head drops on my hand as I think about last spring when he dragged me out at 5 in the morning to look at those damned blossoms.
"C'mon, Scully, you have got to see how incredible they are!"
"Mulder, I have lived in DC for over ten years. I know how the blossoms look."
"Yes, but do you know how they look in the morning when the sun is rising and there aren't any tourists there yet?"
He was like a little boy when he got excited about things. Sometimes that made me really jealous. I was starting to feel like I would never get excited about anything, never really feel again. I had put so much energy into staying calm during adversity that it was all I could do now. I wasn't going to let anyone know how much I missed him. I wasn't going to let anyone, not even Skinner and definitely not Doggett, know how much I was hurting. I would not do it.
I finished my latte and stood up. Perhaps I would take a detour to the bench. I always felt closer to him there. As I pulled my jacket back on, my cell phone rang.
"Agent Scully? It's John Doggett. I'm sorry to disturb you, but you didn't answer your phone at home."
"Yes, Agent Doggett? What is it?"
"I think you better get down here as soon as you can. We've got...Director Skinner wants to see us. Now."
The day comes when everything changes and usually you don't even know.
*~*~* I sit here looking at his cold body and I can't believe it. I can barely remember the events of the past few days in Montana. Agents Doggett and Reyes have both been in here trying to get me to eat something, take a nap, anything to get me to move away from him, but I can't go yet. My head is trying to grasp that he's are gone, but I'm not sure my heart ever can.
I just want to go back. I want to go back to that morning on the bench with the cherry blossoms. I want to go back to that moment in the hallway before he left for Bellefleur for the last time. I want to go back to the moment when he held me, when we thought my hopes for a baby were gone. I want to go back to the night in Oregon when he held me and talked to me about the future.
I just want him back. I didn't want things to change.
FIN
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