Author's notes at the end
I slide the drawer open with my left hand, my right setting down the double decaf latte with soy milk that has become my daily routine. This is all routine. My eyes drop down, resting on the photo that used to hang on our wall. I smile. I have to. I can't not look at Mulder in that FBI windbreaker and not smile. My morning routine is ended as I hear my new partner coming down the hallway. Agent Doggett is a morning person and he's usually whistling or singing some tuneless song as he arrives. Part of me thinks that he has always done it, part of me is pretty sure he's caught me looking in the drawer and decided in the future to warn me of his arrival.
I have lived my entire life as a model of restraint. I tend to think that comes from my naval father, but then again Melissa was anything but restrained. It's not that I don't feel things, it's just that I don't show them, I keep them inside. There have been so many times when I thought that if I could just scream at the heavens it would all be better, but didn't, fearing that if I started to scream I would never stop.
That's not true. I did scream once. I screamed for you, Mulder. I was in the desert and I yelled for you, but you weren't there. I don't think I can yell any more. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop next time. I'm afraid that you'll never answer me. Lying in the hospital bed after the bounty hunter attacked me I realized that you may never come back to me, but I haven't allowed myself to think about what will happen if you don't come back. I can't think about that. I have to believe in your return because if I don't... I can't go there.
Sometimes I feel so inadequate. My mom has told me many times about your anguish during my disappearance, how you searched for me, how broken your heart was. It's the same for me, but I don't think that anyone would realize that. I have kept it within and in some ways, it is what has kept me moving.
I am searching for you. I haven't stopped my other business; the X-Files, the investigations, but I am looking for you. My nighttime routine includes calls to the Lone Gunmen, Skinner, our other allies. We're all looking for you, we need you to come back.
I wonder if my need for you to return is as selfish as I feel it is. Of course my feelings for you, well, I hope that goes without saying, but I have fears as well. How can I raise this baby? I'm so afraid that I will appear to be cold, unfeeling, that the baby won't know how much I love him or her. This baby will need you, Mulder. You are the one who will toss the baby up in the air, hold him or her close to your chest, allow our child to feel loved. This baby needs you. I need you.
Doggett just went up to Skinner's office. Maybe I'll sneak an extra look in the drawer.
FIN
Notes: This story was inspired by the comments of someone who was on the set tour during Gillian Anderson's latest fundraiser for Neurofibromatosis. She asked Gillian about the photograph of Scully and Mulder that had hung on the office wall. Gillian didn't know where the photo had gone. It got me thinking...
As always, I don't do this alone. I want to thank Marie, Sandy and Jamie for beta help and the "Party of Five" for always being a source of inspiration.
Feedback gratefully received here.