NOTES: Many thanks to my fantastic betas, Gerry Hill, Alelou and frogdoggie. You guys are amazing!!! Additional thanks to Shelba, who mentioned the plot I had been thinking about on IWTB, spurring me on to actually write the darned story instead of just mull it over!
I know they are playing a head game on me, but I've got to stay a step ahead of them. I close my eyes and there in front of me I can see her red hair shining in the sunlight, his small head peeking out from her arms.
Scully. William.
They have sustained me again and again through this year. Being so near them in January and having to disappear again without seeing her smile, touching his soft skin...it nearly tore me apart. I lost my will there for a while.
And despite the recent events, I know they are near again. I know I will see them soon. That thought keeps me going every time the guard comes in here, every time he beats me, every time they attempt again to brainwash me.
If I give in to their attempts, I will see my family. I know I will.
Even after Scully and Skinner leave, I can feel her on me. I can taste her scent, smell it in my cell. Taking her in my arms made all the distance between us melt away.
The cell door opens again.
"Visitor, Mulder."
I wonder who is coming to see me now; friend or foe. I hope friend. To be honest, the most welcome faces at this point would be Byers, Langly or Frohike. I long to spend more time with Scully, or to see my son, but I need information. I need to ask questions that I can't ask anyone else.
"Mulder."
I turn to find my former boss, his face somber. I know why he's back, that he is going to try to get himself out of the precarious position I've put him in. I can't let him dissuade me. He's the only one who might have a chance of saving me. Of saving us all. At the very least, there might be a chance that the truth will be presented in the circus Kersh is calling a courtroom.
"Skinman," I respond, a smile crossing my face as I watch him grimace. You wouldn't know it based on my behavior, but the FBI doesn't usually have much of a sense of humor.
"Mulder, we need to talk," Skinner begins, moving over to stand near me. "I'm not sure why you thought I could defend you, but I'm not a lawyer. I have a GI Bill bachelor's degree from Wayne State University. You need a real lawyer if you're going to get out of this mess."
I look at him, trying once again to figure him out, but as usual Walter Skinner remains an enigma to me. I trust this man--after all, I'm trusting him with my life, but I don't really know him.
"I want you to help me, Skinner. You're the only one who can."
"We have no defense."
"We'll find one. Talk to Byers, I'm sure he's been thinking about these military tribunals. And Langley has been running a database of all the information that Scully and I have dug up over the years. With his talent for analysis, we can put the pieces together."
Skinner looks away. He won't meet my eyes. Shit. Now he's scaring me.
Skinner runs his hand down the back of his neck, a nervous tick I've seen before.
"I don't know how to tell you this..." he begins.
"What?"
I listen as Skinner tells me about the biotoxin, about the ultimate sacrifice my friends made for humanity. I feel as if a little bit of the fight has drained out of me. How could I have not been here for this? I sink down along the wall, no longer able to stand, my body shaking. I won't cry in front of Skinner. I won't do it while I know They are watching.
"I can't believe they're gone."
Skinner nods. "I'm sorry."
"And you arranged to have them buried at Arlington?"
"Yeah--it was the least I could do. And in sight of the eternal flame, too..."
"Thanks, sir."
Skinner nods again, as his eyes sweep back and forth across my cell, as if he's searching for something.
"And Scully? How did she react?"
"It was bad, Mulder. I won't lie to you; this year has been really hard on her. I think you can see it for yourself if you look," he replies, catching my eye and then looking away.
I nod guiltily, acknowledging the changes I'd seen in Scully, realizing I've done this to her. Even though she was the one who told me to leave, I should have stayed, I should have fought our enemies here on the front lines and reclaimed my family. I'm not going to slink around in the darkness any longer.
He's too quiet. There's something else he's trying to hold back, something he doesn't want me to know.
"And William?" I ask, my voice cracking. I'm afraid to ask, but I need Skinner to tell me anything to take away the empty cold pit in my guts.
He looks down at the floor. Dear God...not my son.
"Wwwhat... What has happened to my son?" Not William. Not this, I think, feeling myself losing control. I rise up in front of him, reaching for his shirt, grabbing at him.
"Don't make me do this, Mulder," he mumbles, but he doesn't struggle from my grasp.
"No, you started this Skinner. Where is my son? Why hasn't Scully brought him to me?"
"He's gone, Mulder."
The walls of this cell seem even closer today. I keep replaying my conversation with Skinner over and over. How could everything have gone so terribly wrong?
The baby is gone. He's been gone for several months. Why didn't I sense that the moment I saw Scully?
My mind searches back over our reunion. She had seemed almost desperate, as I held her in my arms, I could feel her clinging to me, but I thought that was from our separation. I had missed her so badly and wasn't surprised to see it echoed in her face. For years I've felt so much of Scully within my soul.
But I never felt this.
Damn her. How could she? Why couldn't she have tried harder to find me? Why couldn't she have waited a little bit longer?
I want to grab her and shake her for giving away the only family I have left. I want to make her march out to wherever that child is and bring my son back to me.
Tears dribble down my face, as I mourn for the son who was taken from me before I even knew him, for all the moments of his short life I've missed and for all the ones that are coming. In my life I have lost everything that I ever loved, everything that has ever been precious to me. My pursuit of the truth has left me with nothing.
Finally sleep comes, fitful, with visions of what I've lost, what I've given away.
I'm woken by the sound of Scully's voice. Her soft hand is on my shoulder, touching me like she has so many times before. She wants to talk, for me to tell her what I've discovered. She's upset, but now I can understand the full ramifications of her loss.
"Well ... whatever you're doing ... you have no idea how much has already been lost ... What I've had to do," she says, her lip trembling.
I will never let Scully know how I feel about what she did. I have to be strong for her because it was every bit as much my fault. I can't believe losing William hasn't killed her, but my Scully is the strongest person I have ever known. For all that she has lost, for all that she has suffered, she has lived through it.
"I do know. Skinner told me."
I watch as she begins to cry. It's breaking my heart, seeing her like this. Why...why have I done this to her? Why have I caused her this pain again?
"Our son, Mulder ... I gave him up," she says. I pull her into my arms, trying to take a little bit of the pain from her, trying to gain a bit of understanding about why she felt she had to do this.
"Our son. I'm so afraid you could never forgive me."
I tell her that I know she didn't have a choice. God, I missed them. It nearly killed me every day to be away from them. My quest, my search...it all seems so ridiculous when I've either lost or come very close to losing everything that has ever meant anything to me. I'm not sure what the future holds for Scully and I, but soon...someday I'll find my Will.
FIN
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