Notes:
Many thanks for inspired beta by Michelle Kiefer. Many
thanks to my Sunday night roomies, Avalon, Rafferty, Tess and
Char for watching this episode with my and to Entil for
explaining it in such a clear manner!
She sits at the desk, the room quiet, the baby asleep. The entire way back from Canada the words were forming in her head, the thoughts that she wasn't sure she could bear to put to paper. Reaching for her pen and the paper, she begins to write, the words flowing, not unlike the tears she had wiped away earlier as she lay her son in his crib.
Dear Mulder,
I once told you that if I quit, they would win. I knew it was true then, Mulder and I still do now, but as the years have gone on, it has become so much harder to remind myself of that essential truth. But the stakes are so much higher now. It isn't just that you or I have choices to make...we have a son, and he is dependent on us for his life. There prices to be paid that may be higher than I can bear.
Our son is safe again, here with me, but for how long? I can't promise him that I will be able to protect him against all that is evil in our world because I am finding that I can't even fathom what that evil is. I am weary and I am scared. I fear for your life, I fear for William's life. I fear that that moment will come that I will have to pick between those two things, and I can't say that I know what my choice would be.
When Kersh came to us and told you to leave, I buried my fears, my needs and I told you to leave. I'm not sure that I would make that decision again. I know you said it wasn't safe for me to leave with you, but how safe has it been for me to remain behind? Men have come to harm our child, they have taken him from me. I have not been able to protect him and I'm humiliated by that. All my life I waited for this moment and I have failed. Perhaps I should have remained behind and sent him with you, Mulder. You would have kept him safe at all costs.
And at the same time, my fear goes beyond what might happen to our son. It horrifies me to realize that I am becoming afraid of him...of what he is. For so long I have been able to keep all of my questions buried beneath my love and devotion to him, but as time has gone on, it's so much harder. You have been away from us for so much longer than we planned, and I am finding those questions are coming to the forefront again and again. I finally admitted that to Monica...and saying it aloud has been so much worse than when the questions were just echoing in my head.
Who or what is our baby?
The signs were subtle at first...he moved when I thought about you. In his crib, when he was only a few weeks old, he controlled the mobile. The piece of the ship was attracted to him, controlled by him. Josepho's prophesy said that our baby would lead the alien race. This man said William would be a god...he's my baby, my son, dammit. I never wanted him to be anything other than healthy. It's so fucking unfair, Mulder. Now when I look at him, I can only wonder how he will ever have a normal life. How any of us will.
The night after the failed in vitro, when I took you into my bed, I had no expectations. I have loved you and known of your love for me for so long that it seemed like the most true next step to take. When that man, that Shadow Man reduced it to a lonely night, it cut me to the quick. It was never about being lonely, Mulder. It was about allowing myself to finally realize what I should have known all along...that you are my touchstone...my one true heart. I should have given more of myself to you so much sooner, but I held back, out of some sense of pride, some sense of respect for the work we were doing. I have always loved being your partner, your equal, so I think I felt that if I let myself move to another level I might lose some of that...lose some of myself.
I was wrong Mulder, so wrong.
After the pain of losing you in Oregon, why did I let you go again? Was it that same stupid pride? The belief that I could take care of myself? Take care of William?
I don't know. I can't even totally understand my own actions, so why am I surprised that no one else does. I know that John and Monica have questions. Skinner holds himself aloof from me, as if he thinks I'm going to snap and break into a million pieces and then that will be his fault as well. He continues to carry the burden of your abduction to the point that he is going to be crushed under it. I think it is causing him to be influenced by other parties. It tears me apart, but I feel that we can no longer trust him.
Then again, I don't know who we can trust. You are the only one who has been for me at each turn, without question, without demands. I need this battle to be over, I need to have you returned to our life. I need you with me as we attempt to unscramble the mystery of William's existence.
They tried to tell me you were dead. Kersh and Skinner tried to pretend that they were "protecting" me from this information. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, but I know you are still out there, Mulder. I know that you are doing everything you can to come back to us. I feel so weak for not being able to do this on my own, but I can't. I need my family now, no matter what is going to happen. Super soldiers, colonization, the creation of the universe, rebel aliens...if we can face it together, I can handle it. Alone, I'm not sure I can do it much longer.
I will not quit. I will not let them win. As long as you are by my side.
Love,
Dana
She scans the words on the paper again, then folds it in half. She wishes there was some way to send the letter to Mulder, but she will keep it. He will return. He will.
FIN
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