From Darkness to Light VIII: The One

Notes: The journey of this story began over a year ago on an extremely hot weekend in Chicago. We had come together as readers and writers of X-Files fan fiction, but Marlen and Lenore kept talking to me about their new favorite show...Dark Angel. I had never planned to write fic for the show since it answered all of my questions, but as usually happens during hiatus...I wanted more. I wrote two chapters and basically abandoned the project until last February when I met up with Miss Willow and her merry band. This group of wonderful writers got me working again on my own story again and have warmly welcomed me into their community. I'm delighted to announce that projects like the Cape Haven mailing list and the Dark Angel Virtual Season Three project have all come out of those original contacts.

It's been quite a journey and I want to thank every single person who has read and reviewed the story. I've appreciated all of your kind thoughts more than you will know. This is the last chapter in this part of Max and Logan's story, but who knows what might happen to them next...

~ Rachel

Logan leaned forward to shut the computer down. Normally he would have gone to bed hours before, but it was one of those nights when he couldn't face the bedroom. Over the past few months, the apartment had come to life with Max there all the time. Now it was too quiet. He knew he was shutting her out, but he wasn't sure how to open back up to her, to show her that he was ready to try again.

She had been there earlier, asking him about his book of poetry. He had shown it to her, only to discover after she left that she had taken the poem he had written about her. He wanted to be angry, but wasn't. He was glad that she had read, touched that she had wanted to keep it.

He had loved his parents, but his writing had been one of the things that had always disappointed his father. What would he think of his son now, working as a journalist and an underground one at that?

His mother would have liked it. She had always supported his endeavors, whether she felt they were the best things for him or not. Losing them had been hard on him, one of the hardest things. He especially missed her at times like this, when he needed someone to talk to, someone to confide in. He needed a hand up and out of this morass he had created for himself.

"Penny for your thoughts."

He turned to find Max standing in the doorway.

"You came back?" he asked.

"Yeah...I went to think and decided it was maybe time to talk."

This was it. He felt like if he didn't open up now, this might be it, he and Max could be through.

"Talking is good," he answered. He wheeled into the living room and transferred onto the sofa. The city was dark below...dark like his heart had been for so long.

"I was gonna go spend time with Original Cindy, but she said she wanted to be alone," Max said, sitting down on the other end of the couch. She turned so her back was against the arm, looking straight at Logan.

"It's hard to lose someone like that," Logan replied.

"Yeah," Max answered, her voice trailing off. She reached for his right hand, taking it in hers. "I'm afraid I'm losing you and that scares me, Logan."

He turned to look at her, his left hand pressing down on the edge of the sofa so he could turn his body to face her.

"You're not going to lose me, Max."

"I think you're wrong about that, Logan. I think a big part of you has already left the building and I'm scared that someday I'm going to come in here and find you with that gun in your mouth and it's going to be too late."

She wasn't holding anything back. He had really hoped that they could both forget about that horrible night, but it still rested heavily on his mind and it appeared that she had given it some thought too.

"Why...why would you do that?" she questioned.

He pulled his hand from hers and faced forward again, his elbows on his knees, his face falling into his hands. After a moment, he turned and looked at her again.

"Because I was scared and tired and it seemed too hard to start all over again."

"What do you mean, again?" she asked.

He was quiet for a moment and then transferred back into his chair. He needed to move, to not be trapped on the couch. Wheeling back and forth, pacing, finally he stopped in front of her.

"Do you have any idea what my life has been like these past few months?"

"Yeah, I think so...I've been here for most of it. Nobody's life is a piece of cake, Logan. It's not a reason to put a bullet in your head." Her words were coming shorter and faster. She wanted to understand, but he was scaring her and it made her angry.

"I don't know, Max. From where I'm sitting, I think your life seems pretty simple. Have you ever considered what mine is like? Have you ever stopped to think what it's like from the time I wake up until I haul my ass back into bed again at night? Ever think about that?"

He waited for comment from her and then continued, "Every morning I wake up and I think it's going to be different. When I'm asleep, I can still run, drive my sports car, live my old life...my real life. But then, pretty soon, I really wake up and here I am again.

"Do you realize that I can't shit without a suppository and my finger up my ass? That I need an implement to pee? Have you ever considered that it takes me at least an hour just to get out of the house because it takes ten times as long to get dressed?

"Sure, I love to cook, but I have to make sure that I don't set a hot plate on my unfeeling lap. I can set the table, but it's going to take six or ten trips to get everything over there.

"The day I went to buy the Aztek with Bling...that was enough to make me want to go home and do myself in right then and there. I had always driven sports cars, a whole string of them. Each time I reach up to haul myself in, lean back down to fold up the chair and then haul the pieces in after me, I remember what it was like to slide behind the wheel of my BMW roadster.

"Think of last week, in the bar...those guys didn't even see me as a human being, let alone a man, let alone your man. They just saw me as a guy in a chair. When I go to the market with Bling...sometimes they don't even talk to me.

"And it's a good thing the power is still out because the light in the bathroom is dying. It's been flickering so much it might cause you to have a seizure right there and I sure as hell can't get up there and change it anymore."

Logan paused to take a breath, allowing Max to interrupt before he could continue his self-flagellation.

"Wow, Logan...I had no idea you were filled with so much self-pity. How do you have any room for the little people...to fight the power? Protect the downtrodden. Blah, blah, woof, woof," Max replied, getting up to stand in front of him. "Do you really not have the courage to go on? Did you think it would be better to just end it, to yourself the indignity of maybe spilling your coffee on your lap? Are you really that stupid?"

Max stalked into the kitchen, unwilling to accept that this was why he would do something so extreme as take his life, that he could have been so unhappy, so desperate and she never saw it.

"Max."

He had come up behind her, moving silently on his rubber wheels. He reached for her elbow, trying to turn her around to face him. Reluctantly she turned, her hand brushing away the tears that she was desperately trying to fight.

"At first it was so much to think about, to do, to relearn. There was the shooting, my fear that I had lost Sophy...that I had failed Lauren and all in the midst of recovering and starting rehab. I had created Eyes Only into such a folk hero...in my mind at least, that for it all to come crashing down around me was almost too much to handle, let alone trying to figure out what I still could and could not do. I was ready to give up, but Bling showed up. He got my butt in gear, got me back into my life.

"It was a lot of work, learning how to live again, but I had commitments out there. I had made promises to people; I had a whole network relying on me. Everything was harder, man, ten times harder, but..."

"But you made it look easy," Max interrupted. "Why wouldn't you tell me how hard it was for you? I could have helped."

"But I didn't want your help. I haven't wanted anyone's help. I'm not asking for your pity...I don't need it, but those things, they're my reality now." Logan reached up to take her hands in his. "I should have told you, Max. About the dark times." His voice cracked with emotion, his eyes filling.

"I thought I had it licked, I did. But then I got feeling back and it all changed. I was a real man for you. I loved being your equal. The night we rode your Ninja, I felt truly alive again, but when I started losing feeling and control...it was worse than being shot the first time. I had my life back one day and woke up lying in my own piss the next. I couldn't face going back to that, don't you get that, Max?"

"Walking made you my equal?" she asked. "You were always my equal, Logan...or my better. You care for people, you fight injustice. You are a much better person than I can ever hope to be and I could care less if our love making involves you throwing me on the floor of your parking garage or you going down on me from your chair. Being with you, sharing my life with you, that's what matters to me."

Max dropped to her knees in front of him, taking his hands in hers. "I want to be with you, no matter what, Logan Cale."

"I just wanted to be the strong one. I know we joke about you being the superhero, but I wanted to be there for you, to not burden you with any of my other problems."

"But at the same time you expect me to be honest with you...I told you things about me that no one has ever known...about Manticore and what happened there. You've seen me vulnerable, when I'm struggling with the seizures or in heat. You never judged me about that, never made me feel like I was defective."

"You aren't, Max. You're perfect to me."

"And I feel the same way about you. If we're in this together, Logan, it's for the whole deal. I need to know about the good stuff and the bad. I need to be able to know that you're being honest with me and that I can be honest with you."

Logan leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. He leaned back, reaching his left hand up to brush away the tears that again threatened to fall on his cheeks.

"I can try," he said, smiling at her.

"And you have to let me in, let me share your whole life with you. We're partners in this, Logan. We have to share the good stuff and the bad."

Logan nodded, then turned to leave the room. He stopped and held his hand out for her to follow.

Logan wheeled into the bathroom, Max trailing behind him. She watched quizzically and then smiled.

"So you finally going to show me what you're always running off to do before you jump me in bed?" she teased as Logan scooted forward in his chair and pulled his pants down just below his waist.

"I should have told you about all of it, but I didn't want to scare you. It was hard enough to try and be honest about the sex, when I didn't know what I would be able to do...if I'd be able to do anything," Logan said, turning to look at her, his face serious. "I was afraid that I might...well, I could have an accident if I don't do this before...we, you know...have sex."

He turned on the water and quickly washed his hands before reaching for the supply of catheters he kept under the sink. Understanding what he was going to do, Max reached to take the package from him.

"Don't, Max."

She snatched her hands away, caught off guard by the sharpness in his tone.

"No, I mean it's fine...you just need to wash them first," Logan answered. "Just wash them and then I'll show you."

She slipped off the sink and turned to wash her hands, carefully covering them with soap and then rinsing them. She moved away from the sink and went to kneel in front of him.

Wordlessly, he opened the package and then guided her hands under his onto the tube. Her right hand slipped further up, touching the soft, warm skin on his cock. She rested it by the sack holding his scrotum. With her left hand, she moved the tube further within.

"There'll be some resistance there," Logan instructed, his hand still covering hers.

She slid it a little bit farther and then, feeling like it would go no further, he helped her push it in a bit more. Her eyes remained on the tube as Logan removed a clip and it began to fill from his body. Her finger slid down his shaft, until it reached the point where the tube emerged. Logan leaned in and kissed her lightly on the lips. He moved to slide deeper into her mouth, their bodies connected until he broke the embrace and moved back from her.

Finished, Logan removed the catheter and again washed his hands. Max stood up and slipped hers under the water with him. The silence felt heavy in the small room

Logan pushed his chair back and turned to leave. Max waited for a moment and then followed him into the bedroom.

He transferred to the bed, sliding his body up so his back was resting against the headboard. Max sat down at the end of the bed, with Logan's feet resting against her leg. Unconsciously, she began moving her hand over his foot, rubbing against the smooth skin on the bottom of it.

"I can't feel that anymore," he said quietly, after a moment.

"I know, but I like how they feel," she answered. She took his left foot on her lap and massaged it with both hands, moving the ankle back and forth to keep it loose and limber. After she finished with the left, she moved to the right foot.

Again they were silent; the only sound in the room was her hands moving across his skin, the crack of his ankle joint as she did a range of motion exercise with it. Finally she set the foot down and looked up at him.

Pulling her shirt off, Max tossed her hair as it fell loose from the neckline. Logan reached up and slid his hands under the back of her bra, opening the clasp so her breasts fell free. She rose up on her knees, sliding the zipper down on her pants, quickly pulling both her panties and the black trousers from her legs. He pulled her toward him, his arms around her waist as she knelt on the bed. He swept his tongue back and forth across the smoothness of her abdomen and then down into the bush of crisp hair. His tongue darted in and out, tasting her juices, moving again and again over her clit. She moaned with pleasure as her climax grew.

Her orgasm racked her body, shaking her with spasms until she finally she collapsed back on the bed, on top of his legs, her hands running up over her breast and down her sides.

After a moment Max climbed back on top of him, slipping her right leg over his side and sitting back so she was resting on his thighs. She leaned forward and ran her hands over his chest, across his shoulders and down his arms, down further to the twist of hair that teased from his navel toward his cock. Moving back up his body, she ran her hands along his ribs, watching his smile as she hit his ticklish points.

She dipped her head close and began abrading his skin with her tongue. She worked her way from his right nipple to his armpit, lapping at the sensitive skin, still moving her fingers lightly up and down his side.

Logan's back began to arch and a flush crossed his face.

"Fuck, Max!" he called.

"Gladly," she replied.

She continued to work on his sensitive skin as his orgasm washed up and down his torso. It had been so long since they had shared a moment like this. Logan pulled Max in his arms and gently rolled her over so she was on her back.

He kissed her, first gently and then harder, his mouth covering hers and then working its way down her neck and to her breasts. He moved his hands and mouth over them until the nipples began to respond, hardening under his touch.

Holding himself up from the bed with his left arm, Logan reached down with his right and began stuffing himself into Max. She thrust her hips forward and pulled him in closer, deeper within her.

Max smiled as Logan began to fill her core, hardening as she continued to move her hips against his. The pressure grew as he moved back and forth across her clit, increasing her pleasure moment by moment. Max gasped and then shuddered as pleasure coursed through her body.

Logan dropped against her chest, and she rolled them to their sides. Facing one another they smiled.

"Do you realize something?" she asked.

"What?"

"You're much better in bed again."

A confused look crossed his face. "What do you mean? You like this better?"

"You, Logan Cale, have been one of the most generous and caring lovers I've ever had. I've had the wild sex, when I'm in heat for sure, but when I'm with you it's totally different. You're sensual and you take time to make sure my needs are met. I've always loved that about being with you."

Logan turned to lie on his back, his eyes on the ceiling. "Maybe I should write a book."

Max laughed as she climbed back on top of him. "It could be a best seller...at Crash at least."

Logan pressed up with his elbows into a sitting position, sliding Max down off his lap.

"I need to tell you something else," he said quietly.

Max stopped laughing, moving so she was sitting next to him on the bed.

"That time...after Vertes...it wasn't the first time."

She hadn't expected that. She waited so he could continue.

"When I was sixteen, my dad had a business trip. It was in Chicago. He wanted me to go. He wanted me to start visiting colleges, to look at Northwestern and the University of Chicago. I had a soccer game and I told him I wouldn't go.

"My mom went with him instead. She laughed when the car came to pick them up, told me to be good, to not have a party while they were gone on their 'second honeymoon.'

"My dad had gotten them a suite down by the lake. It was going to be very romantic. He had his own jet.

"It crashed on descent. They were both killed.

"I really tried, Max. I tried to move on and honor them, but it was so hard."

Logan couldn't continue, his body wracked with pain as he began to sob. She pulled him close, his head resting against her shoulders. She tried to pull the pain from him into her own body.

"My aunt found me in my room...I had taken a bunch of her pills.

"They never forgave my weakness."

"And they never got any help? Never sent you anywhere for counseling, to see a doctor?" Max asked, incredulously.

"Yeah, as far away as they could and still be respectable. My senior year at Andover, Yale for college."

"You can't just banish demons like that on your own, Logan. You know that, right?"

He nodded, taking her hand again, and running her fingers up his neck to his mouth.

"Yeah, I know."

"So we do this together?" she asked.

"Together," he said. "Cause I know one thing now...you're the one for me, Max. You take me as I am and I love you for that."

Slipping back into his arms, she answered, "and you're the one for me, Logan Cale. Good, bad, ugly...we're in it."

"Together."

FIN

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